Secrets
by kisses1991
Summary: Sasuke has many well kept secrets. One of them being his self injury. About the thoughts he has and how everything changes when a friend discovers him in the act. warning may trigger some self injurers and it's somewhat gory.
1. Chapter 1

-1Sasuke had many well kept secrets. That may have been because he was a quiet, solitary person to begin with, or it could have been that there was no one there that he could completely trust. After the destruction of his family and knowing the one person he had ever really loved was the cause of his fate to be completely alone, Sasuke had shut down. He had lost all innocence that night; the night that he had been chosen to be left alive. And how many times had he wished, even longed to have been murdered with the rest of them? Just to be able to lift the burden off his shoulders, knowing that his whole life was just a battle to become stronger. A life only lived for revenge. Sometimes the memories of their cold, blood covered bodies was too much for his mind to handle.

And then came his release. The silver kunai he kept on hand at all times. The one specially sharpened for occasions such as this. The one that he dragged across the skin of his forearm over and over again until there was nothing but a calm numbness in his world.

He hid himself from his teammates. Those continuous lies haunting him. The white arm warmers were part of his 'uniform' to keep those lies well hidden from them. He was okay and he could deal by himself. He didn't need help and he could win this battle alone. He truly didn't know that the real battle was with himself.

Another average morning. A very tired, slow morning. Sasuke had not slept well as usual. Vivid nightmares filled the long hours from dusk until dawn. Those were always the hardest hours. The ones late at night, where the only sounds were the creaking of the house he lay in and the occasional cricket outside his window. The darkness surrounded and suffocated him. But he really did need rest and eventually he would fall asleep, if only for a couple hours. But the nightmares always woke him up at some point. And sometimes he would find his kunai. And would shove the dreams to the furthest back crevices of his mind as a single drop of coppery blood slid down and down his arm until it dropped to the white sheets he slept on. Well, not so white anymore. It had been years since the 'incident' and Sasuke was not fond of cleaning. Often he would cut himself as he sat in his bed holding back the tears that threatened to spill over. In a way, the crimson stains he slept upon were comforting. A way to show himself he was still alive and that he could handle things.

Earlier that night he had hurt himself, and three raw cuts spanned across the lower part of his pale arm. He made sure to cover them well before he finished dressing and left to run across the roofs of the buildings of Konoha until he came to the wooden bridge where his team often met before training. As usual, there was Naruto talking on and on about something… ramen probably, to a very uninterested Sakura. And as soon as Sakura looked up and saw him, she savagely shoved Naruto out of the way to leech onto Sasuke. She reached around and hugged tightly pinning his arm to his sides, making them very uncomfortable indeed.

"_Damn it Sakura get off of me or I'll--" _

"_Sasuke-kun! How are you today? Would you like to go on a date later?" _Sakura shrieked in a very high pitched voice.

This was really more than he could take right now. The pain was throbbing harder in his left arm and he wasn't the one causing it. He shoved her hard, very hard off of him and she tumbled backwards onto the ground with a small _umph_. Sasuke quickly ran down to the other end of the bridge refusing to say another word while the group waited over two hours for Kakashi-sensei to come.

And come he did with some excuse about getting lost on the road of life and he completely ignored the protests of Naruto and Sakura and he glanced at Sasuke, who was still brooding over the happenings of this morning.

"Well let's get started." Kakashi said, grinning at his team member's annoyment. "Naruto and Sasuke you can practice sparring in that empty ground down there and Sakura you can come with me."

Sasuke let out an almost inaudible sigh as he slowly got up to follow the bouncing blonde haired ninja down the path. Naruto was much faster today, it seemed. Or maybe Sasuke was just slower than usual. He really hadn't had a good nights sleep in months, and god was it catching up to him. So far he had been mostly dodging the never-ending Naruto clones. Occasionally he would strike back but he was rather low on chakra and using his Sharingan would be out of the question. They had been at it a while and his brain started getting a swimming feeling. It had happened before when he hadn't slept or ate anything for a while. It was like the ground was coming up and the sky down and everything around him spun together. Naruto saw the unease and paleness across his opponent's face and he halted himself before he landed a punch to Sasuke's stomach. Sasuke continued to wobble slightly; everything went grey and in a way fuzzy. He didn't feel the pain as he slammed backwards into the hard ground. Just the warm, comforting arms that cradled him as he slowly slipped into to unconsciousness.

He woke to Naruto's frightened face. Kakashi was covering his forehead in a cool cloth and Sakura sat on her knees staring intently at him. He quickly stood up and was soon where he had started: back on his butt on the ground. He felt the thumping of a headache forming from his fall earlier and his eyes even pulsed. That would definitely hurt tomorrow.

"You should stay lying down for a while until you're feeling better Sasuke. Do you want to tell me why you fainted?" Kakashi asked.

Sasuke simply closed his eyes and replied. "I've been training extra without the team, and I guess I was just tired." Another lie. And another cut. Deeper this time.

Kakashi gave it up at that and headed for the stream to get some water for Sasuke. As Sasuke looked up at Naruto, he saw that in his eyes Naruto knew there was more to it then that. As Naruto looked at Sasuke he saw a glare telling him he better keep his damn mouth shut. Before Kakashi could come back with more questions, Sasuke leapt up to a tree and headed off towards home. Naruto stayed sitting there, gazing at the spot where the raven haired boy had just been and he thought about everything.

Sasuke was angry. So, so angry. He had almost been stupid enough to get caught. If anyone ever found out about his secrets it would ruin everything. It would ruin his battle and he would never be able to become stronger. His head pulsed as he paced back and forth across the tatami mat on his kitchen floor. He always ended up hurting people. He had seen the way that Naruto had looked after Sasuke had glared at him like that, and how scared Naruto had been when he fell. He always managed to shove them all away some way or other. And even though they would never know, it hurt him just as much as it did them. He leaned against the wall, the cool paint soothing to the bruises from his fall. He slowly sank to the ground and curled his knees up to his chest and felt the unfamiliar wetness of a tear trickling down his cheek. He hadn't cried since the death of his family. He sobbed until there were no more tears left to shed.

When the tears were gone and dried up it left a hollow feeling inside his body. An uncontrollable feeling that spread like poison to every part of him. He had walked to his bedroom and pulled the kunai out from under his stained pillow without realizing he had even moved, until he saw his reflection in the smooth metal. A reflection that haunted him. He was more thin now. His cheek bones were more defined as were his collarbones and he had dark circles under his eyes. The worst were his eyes, grey and utterly vacant. Is this how everyone saw him? Had they seen the changes he had been going through? The image he saw in his kunai was disappointing. Weak. And he hated it, hated himself more than anything.

Naruto was slowly making his way to Sasuke's house. He had been there once before this. Naruto was mulling over everything that had happened today and over the past few months. He supposed there had been a change in Sasuke; he just had never bothered to pay attention to something like that.

Sasuke ripped the white cloth covering his arm off in one quick movement. Not thinking or feeling anything at all.  
Only for a moment, just a fraction of second, he hesitated before bringing the tip down to his wrist. He could only watch in fascination as the blood spurted out of his veins. How it came out in torrents and he could almost see the white glint of bone beneath the torn ligaments. And this time he welcomed the dizziness that overcame his mind and slowly crept over his thoughts. Soon Sasuke slowly feel backwards onto his bed.

Too soon to hear the knock on the door.


	2. Chapter 2

-1_Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Kakashi would be naked in all of his scenes. _

_Warning: Graphic descriptions of self-harm. Actually, I guess it just depends on he person reading it. Trigger warning obviously. Keep yourself safe._

_Author's Note: Yay! Cookies all around! I finally finished Chapter 2. I wrote this in three different writing session things so sorry if it skips about. My writing style changes a bit when I'm in different moods. _

_So also important info: I haven't decided what time period this is. It's after Orochimaru killed the Hokage and in my fanfic Sasuke never left. But maybe he was going to leave and Naruto stopped him. We'll just have to see when the time comes. _

_Italics are usually thoughts. _

"_How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body tells what words cannot explain."_

_-C.Blount_

Naruto had become a little more worried about Sasuke. He had always seen him as his rival. His stronger teammate. And it scared him half to death that Sasuke had a weakness, though what it was, he was not sure. He leapt down from the roof of Sasuke's house to the front door and knocked on the wood. No answer. His hand became red from his incessant pounding on the wood. Anxiousness overcame him. He wouldn't let Sasuke be by himself if he needed help. Naruto grasped the knob and turned, well tried. The door was locked and stood closed. It was as stubborn as that damn Uchiha. He paced backwards and threw all his weight into his left leg and through the wooden door. It crashed down into the ground, the dust swirling around it, as the sound echoed all over the house.

"Sasuke?!" Naruto howled.

And still no answer.

He quickly strode down the hallway and up the stairs to where Sasuke's room was located. He soon arrived at the door. A dim light shown from underneath the door and Naruto could almost taste copper on his tongue. And at that moment he panicked. He heaved the door open with his sweaty palm and ran towards the mass on the bed. The cold, unmoving mass on the bed.

Upon coming closer he could see that Sasuke was still breathing; barely. Grabbing for the blanket hanging off the bed, he wrapped it around Sasuke's arm and tightly tied it up. Naruto then slid his arm underneath Sasuke's limp body and scooped him up into his arms, Sasuke's head resting in the crook of his elbow.

Carrying him while running was not an easy task by any means. Especially on the stairs, and he just only made it down with out falling. He was a strange sight to see running down the streets of Konoha; and nearly no one thought to help the 'demon' boy, even as his friend left behind a small trail of blood on the ground. He arrived at Konoha Hospital in one piece, as well as Sasuke, and was nearly shoved into the wall and out of the way as the Medic Ninjas swept the raven haired boy down the illuminated hallway and through a door at the end.

Naruto was so tired and so confused. He left without saying a word to anyone, not that anyone would care if he did. As he arrived back at the Uchiha's house he could hardly remember where he had been the last hour, or even if it had been that long. Thoughts of Sasuke were permanently stuck in his head and he couldn't concentrate on anything that lay ahead of him. He had remembered passing Sakura. She had said hi and had asked where Sasuke was; as Naruto paced past her she gave him a look of disbelief as he completely ignored her, head to the ground.

The door still lay on the ground as it had when he had left with Sasuke. He slowly proceeded through to the kitchen and shakily grabbed a handful of paper towels and dampened them. The blonde haired boy began to clean up the drips of blood in the hall and along the stairs, now crusted and part of the carpet. He scrubbed at the floor until his arm cramped and all that was left was a faint pink stain. Slowly, without realizing it, he had made it all the way up to Sasuke's room, the rest of the house thoroughly scrubbed. The light was still on and the door still half open. Naruto pulled himself up from his knees and hesitantly walked in. Now that he wasn't panicked he could really survey across the room and what he saw was not pleasing, especially Sasuke's bed. That seemed to Naruto where Sasuke had usually hurt himself in the past, although he hadn't bothered much to look around the rest of the place. The blankets were first to be thrown off, then the sheets onto the floor. _"Hell, the mattress should even be burned", thought Naruto. _As he had pulled the pillow from the bed something shiny clattered to the wooden floor. The edges were sharp to his fingers as he picked it up. Curiously, he slashed it across the palm of his hand

"_Owww fuck. I have no idea how that dobe can do this to himself" _

Now more confused than he had been, he went to dresser on the far side of the room where bandages and antiseptic lay strewn across the top. The bandage was tightly wound round his hand and he put the kunai into his pants pocket.

Meanwhile, back at Konoha Hospital, Sasuke, still unconscious was being poked and prodded at. His uninjured arm was connected to an IV and a red stream continually pumped itself into his veins. His ankles and wrists were strapped to the bed with a thick binding. Nightmares floated throughout his mind, mostly those horrifying memories. The quiet path through the Uchiha Estate, abnormally quiet. Running into his house and swinging open his parents' bedroom door; the hollow thud as he fell to the floor in front of their maimed bodies. He was so pathetic, so weak. The red glow of Itachi's Sharingan eyes appeared behind the heap on the floor, preparing to kill Sasuke along with the rest of the clan. And Sasuke had been so weak as to beg to be left alive. Itachi had left him there and his specific reason for doing so Sasuke knew not.

Sasuke groaned and rolled over in his sleep. The weight of his own body on his wounded arm sent a shock throughout him and his eyes snapped open. White everywhere. _Heaven?_ He didn't expect this. Of all people, he'd always assumed he'd end up in Hell. The walls and steel door began to focus into his vision. A rabid itching covered his arm. Sasuke found his arms were heavy, his ankles heavier. He couldn't even scratch the white gauze tightly wrapped around his arm, his new skin. He wanted to rip it off and see the gashes in his scarred flesh. He needed to know that it was real, that he wasn't just in another nightmare. And the itching; the itching was driving him insane. For all he was concerned, this was Hell. The shuffling of feet could be heard coming down the hall closer to his prison. _Click. _The door was unlocked and a nurse that smelled of cherry cough syrup strode towards his bed and shoved a thermometer under his tongue and held it in place until it beeped. Seeing that his arm had bled through the gauze she unwrapped it. He glanced over, mesmerized by the criss-crossing of over fifty stitches binding his flesh together. The want to bleed, to tear them out was overwhelming. Soon his arm was securely wrapped up again and the nurse left without muttering a word to him. The click of the lock was the only sound heard in his room as Sasuke fell into a deep sleep.

Knowingly, Kakashi headed toward the Uchiha house. He almost wasn't surprised to find the front door lying on the ground. Tsunade had informed him about Sasuke and had sent him to find Naruto, fearing he might do something drastic. It seemed everyone but Naruto and Sasuke knew that they were close friends, regardless of the hurtful things they had said to each other. Over the years spent together on Team 7 a bond had grown between them. Kakashi walked up the stairs, sensing Naruto's chakra.

Although he wouldn't admit it, he was scared. This side of Naruto was disturbing. He had never seen him vulnerable and small. Naruto was known for or his mouth, which was exceptionally loud. And of course he had seen Naruto cry before; he was pretty emotional when it came to something he believed in. Never like this though. Kakashi could see the reddened bandage wrapped around his hand. By the ashamed, confused way Naruto gazed at him, he knew right away what had happened. He didn't know what to expect of him. Cautiously, he bent down beside the blond haired boy and took him into his arms. Naruto leaned into the warm embrace.

_Why would Sasuke want to leave me? Leave everyone?_

_What causes him so much pain that he wants to hurt himself?_

Naruto wanted so badly to understand.

Author's Note:

On to chapter 3...probably in like 2 months with my laziness. But I gladly accept reviews, good or bad in the meantime. I also appreciate constructive criticism. Yay for no cliffhangers!

Also, there is no Naruto/Kakashi. Two males can embrace each other whilst in tears without being gay. Except maybe Rock Lee and Guy. They kinda scare me when they do that whole "Guy Sensei!!! Leeeee!!!" thing and then there's the sunset and crashing waves. Weird.

But maybe there will be Naruto/Sasuke just 'cause I'm a huge yaoi fan. They make a good couple. Too bad it'll never happen .


	3. Chapter 3

-1_Disclaimer: _I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does. And if I did…half the characters would have been raped by now. By each other. Yaoi rocks.

_Author's Note: _So chapter three is up. I tried. -- It's like more than three pages typed. Go me! I rewrote Chapter1, so it's better written now. Please tell me if there are any mistakes in any of the chapters.

The scribbling of pencil on paper echoed around his bare white room.

Sasuke had grown accustomed to the sound in the last day. The feeling of his hand sliding across the page as words poured onto the lines was foreign to him.

He had been here for five days, the first four lying in bed with and IV connected to his arm, and today when they had finally let him up to walk around a bit. His arm still ached and after twice of tearing the stitches out and the doctor repairing it, he had given up on that. This entire place seemed odd. Sasuke had never been inside a public hospital before. There was a small clinic on the Uchiha estate that everyone from the clan had used.

He hadn't seen many other people, just the nurse and the others that wandered aimlessly throughout the halls; and a few times pale faces had peeked in at him through the window of his door. This morning he had finally left his room to be escorted to therapy by the nurse that had yet to talk to him.

_Flashback to earlier that day_

The halls were white, immaculate, and the lights illuminated every crevice of the area, leaving nothing unseen. A cold hand held onto his arm and steered him along. Suddenly, they halted in front of a wooden door with a nameplate across the front.

The room was hot and stuffy and frankly, it smelled. The therapist sat at a wooden desk in one corner of the room. There was a squashy green couch across from the desk and a wooden chair in the opposite corner. Sasuke sat in the chair. He glanced around the room, avoiding the eyes of the therapist and he counted three boxes of tissues, but those were only the ones in plain view. He suspected they had an entire storage room for tissues in this place. So he sat. Crossed his legs. Uncrossed them. And put his hands folded neatly in his lap. He did not speak or move. Neither did the therapist. The silence was tedious and Sasuke fidgeted slightly to the right.

"_Well aren't you going to ask something?" _asked Sasuke sarcastically.

The therapist leaned forward on her arms and finally spoke, _"I'm Ren Akimiki. You may call me Ren-san If you like." _She pulled out a vanilla colored folder from inside a drawer on her desk.

"_So, you are Sasuke Uchiha. Tell me a bit about yourself."_

This was just like those TV dramas he had seen. This was a bit much.

He kept his mouth shut, tightly, and continued to stare intently at Ren-san.

"_How are you feeling today?" _she inquired.

The raven-haired boy continued to watch her.

A long period of silence followed.

"_Ok, Sasuke. Our hour is up. So, I've bought you this journal and some pencils for you to write. Write about whatever you want. If you'd like, I'll read it next time you come."_

Like that was going to happen. He reached across the desk and took the thick black book in his hand. Good. His favorite color. He stood by the door to leave as the nurse opened it to escort him back to his room.

When he arrived, he chucked the book across the room and flopped onto the bed. There wasn't much to keep him occupied here. The staff would still not let him go to the game room or the commons. He was still considered a danger to 'himself and the other patients in the hospital', like he was going to go on a murdering spree if they let him have some fresh air. So he lay on his bed and tried to sleep. He wasn't tired. Sasuke ran a hand through his long black hair and sat up. Slowly he walked over to the wall where his notebook lay desolately on the ground and he bent down to retrieve it. Carrying it back to his bed, he flipped through the pages. Every single page was glaringly bright white. He figured he should start at the beginning, so he turned back to the first page and sat with his pencil poised in his hand.

This was stupid. He didn't have anything to write about.

So he scribbled obscene words all over the page and smirked to himself. And when he had filled up most of the page he began to doodle pictures of Team 7--- Sakura dying in various ways. It wasn't like he hated her…she was just a bit enthusiastic sometimes. And he drew Naruto eating ramen- which was pretty much all he did in his free time. Then he drew what he thought Kakashi's little orange Icha Icha book contained, of course he scribbled that part out later lest someone see it. Hours passed by and soon it grew dark outside. Sasuke fell asleep bit by bit with his notebook held tightly in his arms.

_End Flashback_

Early the next morning, Naruto propped himself up against his pillow and stretched his arms high above his head. With a yawn he straightened out his nightcap. His cotton blanket was an entangled web around his legs. Nightmares had haunted him in the past nights. Days had passed now since the incident with Sasuke. Guilt ate at his stomach and he was sick with worry. He hadn't visited him once, not that he hadn't tried; he'd made his was to the steps of the entrance building before turning back. Every time he came closer to Sasuke, the more fear he felt.

Naruto slowly rose from the warmth of his bed and set his feet onto the cool floor. Making his way to the kitchen, he glanced out the window to see the hot sun glaring down on the roofs of the buildings. After gulping down a glass of milk, he dug through the contents of his bedroom floor until he found a set of clothes that didn't smell too raw and left out the door to the street below.

Training was much different without Sasuke. Sakura and Naruto now practiced sparring together while Kakashi read Icha Icha on a tree branch nearby and paid absolutely no attention to what was going on. About two days after Sakura had been stalking Naruto, and eventually threatening to pound his head into a wall, he'd given in and confided in her what he had witnessed. Her reaction wasn't what he would have expected. Naruto thought she would have been devastated or angry, but she had been very mature about the whole thing. She asked if Sasuke was alright, where he was now, and then she had lightly hugged Naruto around the waist and lithely sprinted down the street and out of sight as he stood and watched the spot where she had just been, blushing slightly.

Sakura ran until her mind grew numb and she couldn't think about anything at all. There was a place deep in the leafy woods surrounding Konoha that she had found when she was younger. It was a small clearing, a perfect circle, just big enough to lay down on her back with her legs outstretched and hands cradling her neck. The grass seemed softer there. It covered the ground in large green tufts and was warm on days like this, where the sun shown in beams through the high up branches. Her breath came in arduous gasps as she arrived and soon flopped down backwards onto the ground to rest.

She slowly pulled herself off the ground and headed back towards her home. Everything was still. She couldn't sense any chakra and heard no movement ahead. The streets were desolate and as far as she could see ahead, it was the same.

"_Naruto..?" _she called out hesitantly.

Behind her she heard the shuffling of feet dragging along on the rocky pavement and a rattling breath. He left half bloodied feet print in a trail behind him. As he came closer she froze in place; her heart fluttered in her chest. His raven colored hung down in sweaty strips, shrouding his face. Deep gashes extended across his chest and arms in intricate patterns. Some were scars and some were scabbed over and healing, but most were fresh and bled freely. Rivulets of blood clung to his skin and swirled down to land in splatters on the ground. He swayed slightly to the right but caught himself before he fell.

"_Sakura, please help me…"_

Sasuke stood before her now. His entire body quavered as he reached out to grab her arm for support. He swayed again and this time fell down in a heap. As his hand slid from her arm, it left a crimson handprint.

She began to sob and screamed out and jolted into a sitting position, her face an inch away from Naruto's, who was now leaning over her and had a firm grasp on her arm…where Sasuke's had been?

"_I was worried. I've been looking for you and I heard screaming from over here; you were asleep, I think." _Naruto said, _"Are you alright, Sakura-chan?"_

The nightmare was still lingering. Now the sky was a brilliant red from the sun setting.

"_Naruto? I think we should both go visit Sasuke tomorrow. I'd like to see how he's doing…" _her voice was trembling slightly.

Naruto's hand was still wrapped around her arm and he pulled her up off the ground. This time he hugged her, pulling her close to him.

Whispering, he replied, _"I'll meet you on the front steps at eight."_

With that, he leapt nimbly onto a branch and disappeared into the darkness. This time Sakura was left standing immobile, with a faint blush.

The night was void of both dream and nightmare. Naruto woke well, rested and rose to get his clothes. Sakura as well, was combing through her choppy pink hair and soon left through her door and appeared on the street that was so awake and lively, so early in the morning. This reminded her of when she had visited Lee in the hospital after the Sand-nin had injured his leg and arm. She had brought him a flower and she would do the same for Sasuke.

Sakura came to Yamanaka Flowers just as Ino did, blonde hair in a high ponytail and purple skirt and top clinging to her figure.

"_What are you doing up so early?" _Ino yawned.

Sakura replied, _"I need to buy a flower for a friend."_

"_Ooohhh! A boyfriend?!" _Ino squealed. _"Who, who?"_

Sakura strode past Ino, completely ignoring her. She really had matured; she didn't see Ino as her competition anymore.

Walking steadily through the shop, she took in the vibrant colors and sweet fragrances. Abruptly, she saw the perfect one. A purple iris, dark in the center and fading to white on the tips. A symbol of friendship and hope. She smelled it and picked it up gently while handing over the money. Feeling lighter, she left to meet Naruto.

_Author's Note: _I'd like to know what you thought about Sakura's dream. Was it confusing at all? And by how I described the hospital, I'm not saying hospitals are like that-just this one. In the beginning, I was intending to make this a NaruSasu but now it's leaning towards NaruSaku, which I like too. I don't like Ino Review now because it makes me all fuzzily inside.


End file.
